In order of appearance, the following are all of the orthopedic problems I have had that are directly related to motherhood:
Problem–Wiggly kneecap due to overly elastic joints because of that chemical that loosens joints during pregnancy.
Solution–physical therapy and lots of leg lifts in front of the TV
Problem–Compression fracture in one of my tail bones due to underestimating how much I weighed while trying to sit down at 8 months pregnant.
Solution–horrible shots to my tail bones to stop the pain. It involved a nurse telling me “I’m just going to put this washcloth here in your bottom.”
Problem–pelvic pain due to bone spurs caused by pressure on my pelvic bones while pregnant.
Solution–letting the pain “burn out over 6 months or so after birth.” Also, not wearing any of my beautiful high heels because they exacerbate the pain
Problem–horribly bruised/possibly fractured foot from stepping on a back stroller wheel while attempting to jog to the bus stop to meet my eldest kid
Solution–don’t know yet, but it still hurts 3 weeks later so I’m going to the doctor again
Problem–horribly bruised/possibly broken toe due to 2-year-old pushing over a bar stool onto my foot
Solution–probably nothing, but since I already made that appointment for number 4, I figured I ask about the toe, too
Parenthood is literally bad for my health.